Tuesday, Forehell 4 03:50:52 PST 61 (day 271 of 365 days; Forehell has 26 days)
Osburn Elapsed Calendar
Contents
For year OE 48 (2012-13):
For year OE 49 (2013-14):
The Osburn Elapsed Calendar is a thinly-veiled, self-centered attempt
to call attention to myself and my personal issues. It is closely
tied to the Gregorian Calendar, but some of the months have variable
lengths. I considered creating a perpetual calendar, but humans just
aren't perpetual. They're always messing up their routines
and dragging other humans down with them. The latter portion of the
calendar highlights this phenomenon.
Being an elapsed-format calendar, the first year is year zero. The epoch
is Emergence 1, OE 0, Gregorian date February 7, 1964.
The calendar begins with the month of Emergence, the first day of which
is tied to Gregorian February 7.
A month that commences on the 7th day of a Gregorian month is considered
"lucky". Other months aren't. The months of Emergence, Taxhope,
Falsehope, Ardor, Inspiration, Perspiration, Summerfilth, and Evanescence
are always lucky. That's not bad! Forehell and Holihells are
always unlucky. Kickoff and Afterhell are usually unlucky, but
might surprise you!
The week begins with Monday and ends with Sunday because I like to
get the work out of the way before play. Otherwise I just worry
about it, and what fun is that? The day names have been kept because
I'm accustomed to them being there. (I'm accustomed to the months,
too, but I don't use them as much. Do you?)
Emergence
The first month is Emergence which commemorates my emergence into this
plane of existence and the emergence of each new year. Emergence has 28
days in common years, 29 in intercalary years
(q.v.). It starts with Gregorian
February 7 and ends on Gregorian March 6.
Taxhope
The second month is Taxhope, because I hope to get my tax refund during
this month. Taxhope has 31 days, covering Gregorian dates March 7
through April 6.
Falsehope
The third month is Falsehope. It begins on Gregorian April 7, which
is the anniversary of my parents' failed marriage. That event inspired
the name. Falsehope ends on May 6 after 30 days. (You wish.)
Ardor
The fourth month is Ardor. Spring is in full gear and I usually feel
a little friskier at this time. Ardor starts on May 7 and runs out 31
days later on June 6. Alas!
Inspiration
Inspiration runs 30 days from June 7 to July 6. Ardor, Inspiration
and Perspiration are how humans create and produce. This is a good
time of year for it.
Perspiration
See the note under Inspiration for why I picked this name. Also, I just
sweat like a pig during the summer months. Sorry. Perspiration lasts
31 days and runs from July 7 to August 6.
Summerfilth
Tolkien scholars will recall the month of Winterfilth in the Shire
Calendar. The hobbits might have had a Summerfilth, of course, except
they already had different names for those months. The Shire Calendar is
perpetual, and it happens that there is no month starting with a Friday.
A hobbit might thus refer to "Friday the First of Summerfilth" as a
day that will never come, usually in irony. Or sardony. Or sarcasm.
Whatever.
I picked the name Summerfilth because it fills out the social summer
calendar, ending on the day before the American Labor Day holiday.
It also happens that next year, year 45, does have a Friday the First
of Summerfilth. Any local hobbits who have been putting off any onerous
chores, please take note!
Summerfilth is the first of the variable months. It starts on August 7
and continues through the first Monday in Gregorian September. It will
therefore have anywhere from 26 to 32 days
Kickoff
Kickoff, a variable month, starts on the Tuesday following the first
Monday of Gregorian September. This is the day after Labor Day and the
summer social calendar gives way to the happenings of Autumn. Besides
the reference to American football, Kickoff represents the beginning of
the academic year. Children are thus kicked out of the house and hurried
off to their indoctrination sessions. Kickoff continues until October
6 and has between 29 and 35 days. If Kickoff has 30 days, that's lucky!
Evanescence
Evanescence is a fixed month, running 25 days from October 7 to October
31. Evanescence means "waning" or "disappearing" which is a good
name for a short month that falls in a season of shortening daylight.
Unless you live south of the equator. Luckily, I don't.
Forehell
Have you ever noticed that some stores just insist on shoving Christmas
crap at you on the day after Halloween? It's wrong, I tell you, just
wrong! But it is a foreshadowing of the days to come, thus the name.
Forehell runs from November 1 to the fourth Wednesday in November (the
day before Thanksgiving, if you're paying attention). Forehell will
have between 21 and 27 days. This is the only month where the dates
of the OE calendar match the Gregorian dates.
Holihells
Holy Hells, indeed. This month starts on the fourth Thursday of November
(aka Thanksgiving) and continues until the Sunday before the first Monday
after the first day of January. (Let's try that again. It ends on the
Sunday before the first full work week in January. Is that easier?)
Holihells encompasses all the popular winter holidays that we are forced
to endure with a smile or be castigated as a Grinch or a Scrooge.
Holihells will have either 39 or 46 days.
Afterhell
Finally, a bit of decompression. Afterhell is the doldrums between the
winter holiday season and my birthday. I never could get my act together
during that time. Afterhell starts out with the first full working
week in January, where humans try and salvage their torn and tattered
routines and get some work done. It continues through Gregorian February
6 and has between 30 and 36 days. If it has 31 days, that's lucky!
Leap years are years divisible by 4 unless the last two digits are 36.
In that case, the century must also be divisible by 4. Thus, 36 and 436
are leap years, 136, 236 and 336 are not. The extra day is added between
Emergence 22 and Emergence 23 and is called Emergence 22bis.
Thus the last day of Emergence is always the 28th. See the table:
| Gregorian Date |
Osburn Elapsed Date |
| February 28 |
Emergence 22 |
| February 29 |
Emergence 22bis |
| March 1 |
Emergence 23 |
Because there is a year zero, driving the calendar backwards to dates
before the epoch should present no remarkable problems. The biggest
thing to watch out for are the leap years. Before the epoch, leap years
are those divisible by four except for -64, -164, and -264. (-364 is
a leap year.) Go far enough back and the Gregorian rules won't apply
(i.e. before -382). What you do before that is up to you. I'd probably
use the Julian calendar rules to give me an anchor to something.
But, hey, you're the one using a calendar outside its defined era,
not me...
Q: I was born on Kickoff 35 in year 16. Next year is year 45 and
Kickoff only has 29 days. What do I do?
A: There are several options to choose from, and I'll list them below.
Some or all of these may contravene local laws, and you are responsible
for doing any legal research necessary.
- You can have your party on Kickoff 29, that being the highest date
available.
- You can eat your cake on Evanescence 6, that being 34 days after
Kickoff 1.
- You can reap your loot on Evanescence 1, that being the 243rd day
of year 45 (and you were born on the 243rd day of year 16).
- You can skip it entirely. You'll have to find another reason to
shake your friends down for presents (and I have the utmost faith
in you) but you won't get any older next year (which might be
present enough)!
Q: I was born on Emergence 22bis in the year 8. I was hoping to
use your calendar to overcome the February 29 curse, but you're not
helping! What do I do?
A: For all intents and purposes, Emergence 22bis is the exact same
day as Emergence 22. It's just 48 hours long. The only reason we
have a "second twenty-second" is to keep the computers from crashing. So
get down with yourself on Emergence 22 (and get down twice on leap years
if you want; you deserve it!)
Q: How come that guy deserves two birthdays and I don't?
A: We all deserve as many birthdays as Santa Claus will put up with,
Greedy Guts!
Q: Speaking of Christmas, I was born in Forehell, Holihells or
Afterhell and by birthday is too close to Christmas. What do I do?
A: Hell, I don't know. Convert? Sue your mother? Get a birthday
transplant? Or, maybe, get over yourself?? Sheesh!
Copyright 2009 Christopher Osburn
Wednesday, Afterhell 3 14:54:03 PST 44